Weekends, midweeks and full weeks available! Steps to Beach, town and ferries!

THE MOST AGGRESSIVELY HONEST VACATION RENTAL AD YOU’LL EVER READ
(If you're soft, keep scrolling. This ain't for you.)

Let’s get this out of the way real quick so we can separate the adults from the “technically-legal-but-emotionally-5-years-old” crowd:

If you’re not at least 24 years old or traveling with your family, don’t even breathe in the direction of my inbox.
This isn’t up for debate. It’s not “flexible.” I don’t care if you’re mature for your age or once owned a goldfish.
You. Ain’t. Booking. It.
End of story.

FOR THOSE WHO CAN PROCESS BASIC INFORMATION: HERE'S HOW YOU RENT IT

You’ve got 3 options. That’s it. No, I don’t do custom times. No, I won’t “see if I can make an exception.” Pay attention:

FULL WEEK:

Friday 5 PM → Friday 10 AM

OR Monday 2 PM → Monday 10 AM

WEEKEND GETAWAY:

Friday 5 PM → Monday 10 AM

(Yeah, that’s 3 nights — not rocket science)

MIDWEEK STAY:

Monday 2 PM → Friday 10 AM

(The grown-up option for people who hate crowds and screaming toddlers)

If those dates don’t work for you, you don’t work for me. Move along.

WHAT YOU’RE RENTING: A DAMN FORTRESS OF COMFORT

You want space? You got it. You want amenities? We’re practically showing off.

2 Full Bathrooms – no fighting for the shower

Central AC – because this isn’t a third-world sweat lodge

Wi-Fi – fast enough to stream, scroll, and ignore your family

2 SMART TVs – with more features than you know how to use

2 Washer/Dryers – so you’re not walking around smelling like a bonfire and regret

The Kitchen:

Massive Fridge

Dishwasher

Microwave

Toaster

Blender

Coffee Maker

Other stuff you probably won’t know how to use but will brag about anyway

7 BEDROOMS – NOT A TYPO. SEVEN.

4 Downstairs, 3 Upstairs

All with 12” memory foam mattresses – you’ll sleep like a sedated bear

Most have 1 Full + 1 Twin

One room’s got 3 Twins

Two rooms come with 2 Fulls each – perfect for cramming in cousins, kids, or in-laws you don’t like

Bonus Round:

Upstairs Den + Bar Area

Extra fridge

Sink

Adult sanctuary for when the downstairs turns into a zoo

WANT TO SAVE MONEY? BOOK OFF-SEASON.

If you’re not looking to rent during peak “screaming kids, crowded beaches, and everyone’s mad” season — you’ll get a solid discount.
But don’t lowball me like this is a Facebook yard sale. This house ain’t cheap, and neither is peace and quiet.

FINAL NOTE FOR THE HARD OF THINKING:

If you skimmed this and still ask dumb questions like:

“Can I check in Tuesday?”

“Is 19 okay if I’m really responsible?”

“How far to the beach?”
You will be ignored, blocked, and possibly mocked in a group chat.

SUMMARY FOR THE ATTENTION-DEFICIENT:

Don’t message me unless you’re over 24 or with family

Stick to the schedule listed

Read the whole damn ad

Act like an adult

Respect the space

Book it if you’re serious

If all that sounds good?
You’re about to have the best damn stay of your life.

If not?
There’s a Motel 6 with your name on it.